Voices In My Head

If you hear a voice within you saying 'I am not a painter,' then, by all means, paint... and that voice will be silenced."

Vincent van Gogh

First time I learned about voices in my head whas on NLP Practitioner training with Paul McKenna. Dr Richard Bandler, co-founder of NLP, was taking us for a journey of 20,000 leagues under the conscious and there it was - my story teller.

It resides in my left ear, has strong arguments for why it is safer to stay in the known, not to risk, not to say what I think, how I feel - that is when my story teller is tired and sitting in the corner of my head wrapped in darkness of doubt and fear. There is another side to it too: proud, judgemental and forceful, giving me reasons why I need to push for the immediate results and resolve matters by fighting ego fight.

The insight wouldn't be complete if I didn't discover the other side (as you may guess - it lives my right ear): the silent voice that often says just "yes" or "know". It caresses me gently with calmness and joy.

It took a bit of practice and determination before I mastered the language of two and learned to listen. Eventually two parts got united and became friendly - leading me to the quietness of my mind. Today my story tellers wanted me to tell their story. I listened.

Check Paul McKenna's Overcome Self-Criticism excercise

Monkey does what monkey sees

An experiment was conducted - five monkeys in a cage, bananas hanging on the top, ladder welcoming their attempts to grab juicy fruit. Surprisingly (for monkeys only, since that was the purpose of experiment) each time any of them would try to take banana water would spray all over the cage and, of course, monkeys didn't like that at all. After few attempts all five monkeys rested and ignored forbidden fruit.

This experiment wouldn't be interesting if it stopped here - the next step was to remove one of the monkeys and place a new monkey in the cage. Revelation! New monkey went straight for bananas while old monkeys panicked, blocking the way up the ladder. One by one they removed old monkeys and placed new ones in - nobody got sprayed but somehow nobody was daring to go up the ladder either.

That is how the term learned helplessness came to existance.

Hold your breath, similar experiment was done with humans (instead of being sprayed by water loud noise was the 'punishment' and, voila, same thing happened).

Touched

When being a point of contact for friends and family
When messages say Happy Birthday
When it is about me but actually is all about them
When I feel older and it's just naturally great
That there are people out there that extend my purpose

Love you all
:D

Farewell

Like Little Prince I watch sunsets
Over and over again

My parents left,
Sunrise by my side.
One after the other
Like dilligent, patient ants
Days stroll their way forward
Bringing the future -
Creators design

I am who I am
We say it together

What needs to be unspoken
Rests in peace required
Nothing has been broken
Just a plate,
A vase,
And and ego.
All had their purpose
Thank you,
Good morning
and
Good bye

Enjoy the journey
Have a safe trip back home

Renewal

April is for Renewal.

"Entropy" means that anything left to itself will disintegrate until it reaches its most elemental form. So it is with self and relationships. Both need replenishing. Physical renewal is deveoped by exercise, eating healthy foods, and managing stress. Social/emotional renewal is strengthened by building bonds, providing serivces, and listening empathically. Mental renewal is facilitated by investigating unique ideas, learing new skills, and the juxtaposition of the old and the new. Renewal time cannot be left to chance; it must be anticipated and built into daily living.

My parents are visiting and I feel like my personal history is being re-written. I am hearing same voices, similar statements that used to 'push buttons' so many times before. Now I am renewed with peace and calm, laughter with my mom, giggle with my dad and patience, attentive listenning. I hear them for the first time.

Looking back at negative triggers that hurt so much before I am not sure why I couldn't snap out of it earlier. Major realization: nobody pushed my buttons but myself, it was just easier to blame others and find a reason for marginal living.

April seems like a good month to fall in love with my parents.

New love paints the day like Easter eggs.

Hristos Voskrese, Happy Easter - this year we celebrate it on the same day.

Just Another Day

When message appeared and carried the meaning of Blessings, Body Care and New Love.

Some days are just special for they bring the joy of blue skies.

Today is that day.

When somebody you know has birthday and it is time to celebrate.

When puppy becomes a dog,

When friends share a laugh,

On the way home

From the long weekly march.


Live every moment of it

Light Revealed In the Dark

Beijing, Sanlitun March 2007

This city has magical moments that can surprise all the senses. Unexplainable euphoria during Spring Festival revealed this site: full moon, sparklies (fireworks) and Sanlitun wearing its display of lights on the top of the buildings - like a peackok opening its tail and expecting sighs and respect from the audience.

The Work

The Work (by Byron Katie) neatly directed my belief shift. Once, twice, three times...

I want to tell you about three believes that directed my life story:

1. If I don't eat evil witch will take me away to her cave
2. If I break a plate I get punished
3. If I break a vase I get rewarded

And that is where all confusion started ...

My story:

The first story is kind of explanatory - rule by threat...
Plate and vase though, how are they so different to trigger
separate recognition outcome?

Ultimately I know - when I broke that plate I was 'careless' at age of 4.
At the age of 8 or 9 I was dusting and broke vase, so I got recognition
for dusting - vase was less important (and obviously not expensive).

The final logism would be:

I believe in punishment and reward.

which further takes me to conclusion:

I believe that

There is punishment
There is reward

Is it true?
To certain extent

Can I absolutely know that it's true?
Today I got a sign of an approval and it feels good. I got rewarded so I indulge in the
moment. I want reward to be absolutely true - for punishment... I'd consider.

How do I react when I believe in punishment and reward?
Punishment: Tense, offensive, defensive, withdrawn, pondering, figuring
out, proud, distant, creative...
Reward: Carefree, light, witty, whimsical, anything possible,
creative...

Who would I be without belief in punishment and reward?
Violet (The Incredibles), free, citizen of Earth.

Turn the thought around:
There is no punishment
There is no reward

Turn it around to myself:
I punish
I reward

How is this turnaround true?
When I punish and reward I become tense, offensive, defensive, withdrawn or I become spaced out.

How unpleasant!

And what if I believe that:

Universe is Benevolent
Change is inevitable
And I forgot the third one...

Oh, yes

Answer is in the future

Candy and Simba playing in the Dog Park, February 2007
Chaoyang, Beijing, PRC

Tragic Heroine

Do you see your life as an empty chair

or colourful door experience?

Today I was called a tragic heroine. My story has become my shield of sorrow and determined thought that I have lived life battling and struggling to come out safely at the other end, like a child coming out of a womb. Nothing whimsical about that.

As it goes with life and its mysterious ways I have simultaneously received a message (how kind) to check Byron Katie's website www.thework.com. This is what it says under www.thework.com/DailyMsgArchive.asp

• If you could save the whole world from the chair that you sit in, would you? Well, you can. Judge your neighbor, write it down, ask four questions, turn it around.
• You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer.
• Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.
• I’m very clear that everyone in the world loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.
• For me, reality is God, because it rules.
• An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.
• Personalities don’t love—they want something.
• Sanity doesn't suffer, ever.
• You are what exists before all stories. You are what remains when the story is understood.
• I’m a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.
• Everyone is a mirror image of yourself—your own thinking coming back at you.
• “I don’t know” is my favorite position.
• What is is. You don’t get a vote. Haven’t you noticed?
• Until you look forward to criticism, your Work’s not done.
• If I had a prayer, it would be this: “God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.”
• Thoughts aren’t personal. They just appear, like raindrops. Would you argue with a raindrop?
• You either believe what you think or you question it. There’s no other choice.
• There are no new stressful thoughts. They’re all recycled.
• Stress is an alarm clock that lets you know you’ve attached to something not true for you.
• We do only three things in life: we sit, we stand, we lie horizontal. The rest is just a story.
• The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.
• If I think you’re my problem, I’m insane.
• The world is my perception of it. I see and hear only through the filter of my story.
• There’s only one thought to question: the one appearing now.
• When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.
• Everyone and everything is doing its job perfectly—no mistake.
• Ultimately, I am all I can know.
• Until we know that death is equal to life, we live in fear.
• When I am perfectly clear, what is is what I want.
• Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless.
• How do I know that I don’t need what I want? I don’t have it.
• We fear only what we haven’t understood.
• There are no physical problems—only mental ones.
• We never make a decision. When the time is right, the decision makes itself.
• The miracle of love comes to us in the presence of the uninterpreted moment.
• The last story: God is everything, God is good.
• No one can hurt me—that’s my job.
• When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.
• Forgiveness is realizing that what you thought happened, didn't.
• Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you already have it—that you are it.
• Have you asked you?
• Everything happens for me, not to me.
• We say to others only what we need to hear.
• I don’t let go of concepts—I question them. Then they let go of me.
• Nothing you believe is true. To know this is freedom.
• If you want to see the love of your life, look in the mirror.
• Reality is always the story of a past, and what I love about the past is—it’s over.
• We suffer only until we realize that we can’t know anything.
• You see only what you believe. Nothing else is possible.
• I could find only three kinds of business in the world—mine, yours, and God’s. Whose business are you in?
• No one has ever been angry at another human being—we’re only angry at our story of them.
• Gratitude is what we are without a story.
• My life, as it is, makes up the perfect world. Failure was just one more of my opinions, and I am, once again, left as my own living joke.
• Failure is a state of mind. Therefore, “it’s possible to fail”—is it true? Not possible!
• My failure is my success, and my success is my success. How wonderful to be God’s will.
• Why are you upset? You’re believing what you think. Want to get sane? Question what you believe.
• To get forgiveness within yourself, give it; there is no other way. To see that what you thought happened didn't—that is forgiveness. Look back at your “mistakes,” question what you were believing.
• If you want to have a happy ending, go back to the beginning.
• 'Thoughts appear; beliefs create.'

Whimsy March

Whimsical March as it says on EQ callendar. I am not sure what whimsical means
As yourdictionary.com suggests:

adj.

1. Determined by, arising from, or marked by whim or caprice. See Synonyms at arbitrary.

2. Erratic in behavior or degree of unpredictability: a whimsical personality.

A little bit confused I ponder what would be EQ with whimsical personality and I read closer:

Overcome terminal seriousness. Develop a sense of whimsy. People who lose their capacity to be playful are perceived as cold, dull, boring, sad, lonely, tight, rigid, etc. Instead, maintain the playful attitude that comes naturally to children. Work at spotting the incongruities, absurdities, and ironies of life. Turn reality on its ear. The by-products will be less conflicts, less anger, less anxiety, and less depression. in fact, playfulness may be more conducive to the production of peace than superb negotiation skills.

March is almost over - it took me two weeks to flip the page and move from Resistance to Whimsy. If I look at it as a play, I made a first step - marching into new month 19 days later.

Carlos Castaneda talks about the spirit of the Hunter in a somewhat similar style. Only animals that have unpredictable behavior manage to survive the wild (think "Madagascar"). Surprise yourself by acting unpredictably and the world of possibilities reveals itself.

A Window To the Soul

Beijing - home after holiday. I am back and jetlegged, somewhat sad that I am away from the family and view from my window doesn't reveal snow on mountains. Alps were wonderful.

Before I get some sleep I invite you to see Nic Askew's film for this week.

I wish you were there, I wish you were here...

http://www.monday9am.tv/archive/intro/46

Way before the March of Penguin or Happy Feet, it was 1999, a penguin appeared in my dream and gave me a message that care for nature was the meaning of life. The dream message was clear to that extent that I wondered why penguin was not talking to me in my waking life. Wouldn't it be nice if, just for the fun of it, it came to me and truthfully said: This is the meaning of life!

Without any further hesitation I decided to pay attention to each moment I would see a penguin as if it was a confirmation that I was on the right way. Something like passport for success. Little I knew at that time how responsive penguin would get...

Thailand: a child's drawing of penguins at a hostel's reception desk
Nepal: water brand Penguin
London: posters all over the city: Where is the penguin?
Beijing: six new penguins at Beijing Zoo 2003
Cambodia: penguins on a T-shirt
Montreal: Biodome
Australia: penguins on the shore

It never appeared in my dreams again, it became part of my waking life and my passport is getting filled with the stamps. For 5 years it has been walking with me as my company logo.

The story behind the logo

I simply explained what the key words were and how I wanted the meaning to be combined into one. The rest was inspiration. Jose Abad, artist, has expressed it all in one Chinese character, the symbol for Dao, the Way (道) and upon the request added the penguin. The base for Chinese words ‘business’ and ‘penguin’ have the same character（企）as their foundation. So logo in Chinese simply translates to ‘Business Way’ or ‘The Way of Business’.

道 – Tao, the Way
首　－　To lead
企业－　Business
企鹅　－　Penguin

Happy Feet

Happy Feet, story about a penguin who decided to save the nation and convince humans to stop harvesting fish.

Listen to their feet!

The land is melting

I notice, I keep getting back to the Earth - without it not even health could help us.
It's been bugging me, it's been haunting me.

What can I do?

Photo: Biodome, Montreal 2006

Dumplings, Fireworks and Family

Spring Festival is one of the most significant holidays in China.

It is mostly about

food (dumplings),

Year of the Monkey

fireworks (noisy)

Year of the Monkey

and family (connected)

Family in Beijing

We are now (still) in the year of the Dog (year mostly auspicious for marriages) and are barking our way into the year of the Golden Pig (auspicious for having children, and great financial rewards).

Wild Bore Where Art Thou?
Year of the Bore (Pig) 18.2.2007 - 7.2.2008.

This festival is recorded in the lunar calendar which has been (sadly) failing us recently. It used to predict weather changes so precisely, like a prophecy recorded at the beginning of this ancient culture.

Looking back, there are some basic rituals that are still kept as part of tradition for most families.

Fireworks start rocking day and night even a week before the actual festival begings. This way bad spirits fearfully leave humans alone.

Children receive 'hong bao' (red envelope) with money inside. That way community provides support to all families so everybody gets to celebrate to their heart's delight. Hong bao is also given at weddings, birthdays etc.

Hong bao given at the ceremony of apprentice acceptance into the 6th generation of
Liu Xu Yang Sifu's Xing Yi Bagua School
(Year of the Dog)

Families are visited on appointed days - I usually get confused about the order and 'must'. Here is what it says on http://www.danwei.org/

The second day of the Chinese New Year is usually for visiting the family of the wife if a couple is married. A large feast is also typically held on the second day of the Chinese New Year. The seventh day of the Chinese New Year celebration is traditionally everyone's birthday, the day when everyone grows one year older. It is also the day when tossed fish salad, yusheng, is eaten. People get together to toss the colorful salad and make wishes for continued wealth and prosperity in the new year.

To read more about Spring Festival check the link Spring Festival Today

Thank you for Bamfield, keep watching the stars & be mindful

Recently, a friend's father passed away.

I sent her a card and observed stars with her

From another perspective.

A day has passed and as the sky switched its starry lights on where she was

She sent a message

Many thanks for the card and your thoughts.
I woke up 6.37 am this morning in the realisation that the veil between the visible and the invisible has gone, maybe for good and I don't think this is about just me. Be mindful.
Love peace and light.

To experience death of a parent is still unknown to me.

My mother says it is a peculiar feeling.

I resist to begin to imagine.

I choose peace instead.

I love them dearly.

February is so short...

February is for Resistance

I was, accidentally (or not), reading about the Release Technique and as the topic moved onto Resistance I realized my 6 Seconds callendar (based on EQ) was still on January (Self-Awareness). And as I flipped the page February revealed itself with its theme: Resistance.

This is what it says...

Be aware; resistance and its cohorts surface when anxiety is produced. Anxiety differs from fear in that anxiety deals with imagined or perceived dangers. So rather than employ resistance (or any of its synonyms) a better strategy is to consciously make a choice of limiting the stress. Then the negative effects can be minimized. Any of the following techniques are equally effective: meditation, deep breathing, napping, a sauna, escapes (reading, crafting), reframing, exercise, laughing. consider the above to be a cafeteria line. Select what works for you, your family, and community.

I am looking forward to February - Valentine's, Meilan's birthday, Dana's birthday, Martin's birthday, Ana's birthday, Chinese New Year: the Year of Golden Pig, skiing in Davos will inevitably bring healthy breathing and there it is - 28 days go by so quickly...

Imperturbability

imperturbability
noun

A stable, calm state of the emotions:

aplomb, balance, collectedness, composure, coolness, equanimity, imperturbableness, nonchalance, poise, sang-froid, self-possession, unflappability.

Slang cool.

See calm, feelings

Have you ever been in such a place where nothing and nobody can bother you?
The perfect place to be and it is not outside but within.

I just read (and remember, I am also learning): viscious circle starts with a problem and then...

We become insecure
We try to figure it out
WE want to know what to do
We want to know what the answer is
We try harder
We disapprove of ourselves
We beat ourselves up more
We still hold on to the problem

Beyond the circle I check this long word I have never heard of before: Imperturbability, space of calm emotions. No apathy, no grief, no fear, no lust, no anger, no pride - just courageousness, acceptance and peace.

Oh, I remember, I have been there once, just at this moment and, look, I become...

imperturbable

im·per·turb·a·ble

Run Dalida run + cue for a bit longer

For those who are born under the lucky star of 'visaless' travel my experience may not offer much except a glimpse of understanding what it takes to travel when holding less privileged booklet.

It was just last week that I thought I will try, first time in my life, to apply for American visa and attend a training held in Orlando. Once a year opportunity triggered will to go and try although, I have to admit, I have been in somewhat stage of helplessness even thinking about the possibility to travel to States.

As it goes with shattered beliefs, after receiving invitation letter from the organizer of the seminar, I learned that I had to do the following in order to apply for an interview:

1. Pay $100 at the bank for visa fee (non refundable)
2. Buy a phone card which allows me an excess to a number where I set an appointment (total 8 or 12 minutes available)
   
3. Call the embassy and set the appointment
4. Fill in the application forms
5. Provide 50x50mm photos (quite unusual format, I must say)
6. Write an employment letter, stamp it
7. Provide bank statement of my account

Now, many would agree that getting the appointment may take a long time - however, they said - come in two days, total surprise! Rushing and getting all the documents was just a minor added stress in comparison to expectations for the approval: will I get to go? I felt like a little girl waiting for parents to allow first-time-after-midnight-party-time.

I got the appointment for 9am. I was there 20 minutes earlier, I cued for 10. Once in the building I thought it was just the matter of time, however... I found out that I couldn't bring my mobile in, ok, I understand. What to do?

"Go to the building accross the street, purchase locker key, and leave it there"

I run.

I still have time, I get back and give my jacket for the scan.

"You have Ipod?"

Yes, I do.

"You can't bring Ipod in."

What do I do with it?

"Go to the building accross the street, purchase locker key, and leave it there"

OK, I have the key, I just need time....

I run.

I come back - still smiling gracefully and they let me in.

I cue... 20 minutes, hand documents in exchange for a light blue card. I joing the light blue group... I cue....30 minutes.

Fingerprints are taken, and they show us to the other section of the hall. We are not allowed to talk, at least not loudly.

I cue... 20 minutes

My interview time is here... 3 minutes. With a smile and a comment that he has never handled a Yugoslavian passport before visa officer informs me that I got a 3 year multiple entry visa.

I smile back, I turn and walk back home. I am still confused - I broke my helpless mode, got visa and after few runs, patient cues and printed fingertips the road has opened.

I am going to America.

An Inconvenient Truth

I have seen Al Gore's documentary about global warming. I felt like reading the manual how to use and maintain a newly purchased gadget only, this time, it was about the Earth. Many users, instructions not written in all the languages, not everybody is interested in maintaining it, not everybody is interested in claiming ownership ... where are we all going?

Sometimes I wonder if the Earth would give us the melting surprise of Ice Age even if we didn't invent cars, factories and various touches that make the atmosphere go "Urgh!" Either way, I do what I can to help next generation live its eternity and hope that 2012 is just another myth (like millenium bug). On the other side, if 2012 was the end of Earth as we know it (Mayan calendar states so), what would I do if I had another 5 years to live....